I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
so much to do
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.