Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
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One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.