A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
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Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar