(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
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Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.