One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
OH. COME. ON.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.