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Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course