well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me trying to walk in a dream
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.