Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.