BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
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cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Battery falling down a hole
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”