handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
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On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation