During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
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It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.