My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
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Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
the three genders
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.