You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
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I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
this country is so goddamn polarized
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Lol.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you