I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
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the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Yup.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
do horses think humans are hats
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?