Your honor these allegations are
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[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.