[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
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COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”