This is Damn delicious!πππ
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! π‘
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesnβt remember me.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“Huge”.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to βMove it old lady!β?
Too bad you canβt get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Yeah, I donβt think this is how it works
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’mβ¦
Wife: β¦ no
Me: aβ¦
Wife: β¦ don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didnβt tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Hands up if youβve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9ΒΎ pounds.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. πΆ Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. πΆ