Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
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Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota