Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
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I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados