How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.