In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
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ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.