There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
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Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.