I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
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I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat