It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
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I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Imma just leave this here…………
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
bought wrong eggs
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.