On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
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Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE