“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
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HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time