GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
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Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
OKAY DAD
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.