Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
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This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
what?