Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
You Might Also Like
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
A new level of troll.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.