Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
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The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward