if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
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[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
#Caturday
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
fair
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
So the ex texted me
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”