An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
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Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say