It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
LA today:
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*