My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
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Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Every haunted house movie:
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
asking santa clause for nudes
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen