live long and prosper!
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
lmao
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.