The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
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me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning