If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
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#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.