My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
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Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man