normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
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“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
The first matador
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.