[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
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maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.