i prefer mine room temperature.
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They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
an octopus is just a wet spider
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.