I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Real House Wines.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
“What movie?” 🤔
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover