Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
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Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
that colleague who touches your screen
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.