Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
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Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
LOL!
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore