Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
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My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
For those that worship cheese..
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
There is no “we” in chocolate.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room