me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
my dad has had enough
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake