Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
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I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad