My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
You Might Also Like
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON