“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?