I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
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Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn